Change

"CHANGE". What is your reaction? Negative or Positive?

It seems to me that no matter what the situation, it usually means both. It's funny how we view coins in our pocket as "change" because isn't all change like a two-sided coin?

For example, in my case, it's about changing my moving address, changing my job, changing my life, all at the same time. Big changes can be scary and thus are labelled negative but, on the other side, big changes can be exhilarating, exciting, interesting and thus feel positive.

I'm in for some big changes come December when my life as I know it will be spun up in the air like the chance flip of a coin. My emotions feel like that right now, scared and excited, all at the same time.

Well, I don't know how things will turn out but like any one of us who puts their life in the hands of fate, I will be as curious as you to see where it lands and hope for the best outcome.

I'll keep you posted.

"IMPRESSION"

R.I.P. Ronald Cook

February 23,1936 - September 10, 2011

"Impression" - Marked influence or effect on feeling, sense or mind.

That's one of the definitions in the dictionary to describe the word "impression" and it's one of the words I think of when I think of Ron.

I know his family would agree that he always left you with an impression of a man who was kind, fair, thoughtful, caring and so loving. Time and time again he would display these qualities without fail. Sure, there were times when he would show the odd human flaw of anger or disappointment but those were extremely rare and you knew something big must have happened for him to express himself that way.

The Ron I knew, never had a bad word for anyone but he was also fiercely loyal to his family and defend them if he needed to without hesitation. When you became part of his family, it didn't matter that you weren't born into it, he gave you just as much love and support as if you were. Even before I was an official member of his family, he was there for me. If I had a flat tire in the dark, he would come and fix it. If my ride didn't show up and left me stranded, he would rescue me.

As a Grandfather, he was wonderful. He and Eileen attended every event my children had and I always respected and appreciated that. It didn't matter if he wasn't feeling well, he was always there. The look of excitement and happiness on his face just to see his grandchildren will remain with me forever.

Ron left an impression of love on my heart then and for always. Rest in Peace, with Love, Mandy xoxo

STALKERS!

When you're the victim of stalkers you ask yourself, why? What is so special about me that I would have a stalker, or in my case, two!  I'm not a movie star or a public figure so why me?  Then you look at who the stalkers are and the reasons you think they are stalking you and the answer is clear.  These are people from my past who I have completely cut ties with and for some reason they don't have the closure they need.  Even though everything was said, all the reasons were made clear why our relationship couldn't continue, they still have to follow you around.  It's sad really but also a bit scary.

In one case, the case of my second ex-husband, his stalking was getting scary. He stalked me for months after we broke up and followed me to places we both use to go. He would ask anyone he knew about me to find out what I was doing. He'd call me on the phone constantly, email me all the time, show up unannounced, left notes and letters on my car at work and even call my co-workers and family to try and get to me.  I had to call the police several times but that didn't really stop him.  The immediate contact stopped but then I would run into him, perhaps by accident, and he would always seem to know what was going on with me which was evidence he was still asking people about me and perhaps finding ways through social networks to track me. It's been 5 years since we split and it still happens on occasion.  I have tried every effort to block him from sending me email or finding me on Facebook, and still, he manages to find out about me.  I'd be lying if I said all of this didn't affect me after all this time because it does. I don't go out to any of the places we used to go anymore. I'm always looking around when I go out, always a little paranoid. I don't feel settled here, don't make new friends, I even put off looking for work because I just don't want to get a job and find out there is a mutual person I have to work with that knows him which I'm afraid will start the stalking all over again.  Is this what he wanted in the first place? To make me feel this way so he can't help be on my mind, even if it's in a negative way? I think this is exactly what stalkers want...ATTENTION...any way they can get it.

Earlier I mentioned that I have TWO stalkers. This is true. This stalker was my best friend for 25 years and then she wasn't.  Her stalking was not as intrusive or scary but just as disturbing to me.  About 15 years ago we ended our friendship, I won't go into details here but I was the one who broke it off.  My friend reacted by writing me a long letter where she acted like she had no idea why I had to terminate the friendship, it was 13 page rant. Then the drunken phone calls started. She even went so far as to contact my mother to find out how to get in touch with me after I moved and changed my number.  That didn't go on for long and then it seemed to stop...until I became a member of Facebook a few years ago. She looked me up and sent me a Facebook message acting so glad to have found me and updating me on her family, etc, like nothing had happened.  I never responded and I blocked her. Although I though I had set up my privacy properly there were some holes and she was able to find me so I went though them all again.  Finally I thought that was the end of it until about a year ago when I started writing this blog.  I guess I was a little cocking thinking that there are tones of blogs out there and who would bother trying to find mine but she did. I can only imagine that is was on a drunken bender that she decided to seek me out and comment on every entry in my blog. I say "drunken" because who would spend hours late at night into the wee hours of the morning commenting on dozens of entries if they weren't in some way impaired.  The comments were weird to say the least and she would find ways of making digs at me bringing up past issues but some entries were somewhat normal. Still, it was very disturbing to know that after all this time she felt the need to perhaps Google me and look into every Amanda Ford she could to find out which one was me and uncover my blog. Perhaps she just happened to find me on Gmail where my blog lives, perhaps she has a Gmail account. However she found me it doesn't matter, I have had to block my blog from the world. There was no way to block one person on this site, it's all or nothing and it became nothing.  The thought of her reading my blog was paramount to someone reading your diary.  I know that sounds weird since a blog is out there for all to read but you usually write a blog  because you don't care if strangers read it and the only other people you think would care would be real friends and family that are in your corner and want to be encouraging and supportive.  When I say good-bye to someone in my life for whatever reason, I don't expect them to seek me out year after year to find out what I'm doing or try and contact me. It was in the past and these "stalkers" need to let it go and move on with their life or get therapy because if they haven't gotten closure by now they need professional help.

So, with that being said, I've now reopened my blog. I love to write and it's a way to connect with family and friends that don't live close by who want to be supportive of my writing and my life. I have set up new privacy that won't allow anyone to post a comment on my blog without my approval so those who want to share their bitter and spiteful thoughts, needn't bother. I can take constructive criticism about my comments or writing and I welcome it and will post those entries but I think most "normal" people know the difference.

Ladies and Gentlemen... WORDSTOGOBUY is open for business! 

Another "Born Loser"

Today would have been my Dad's 91st birthday.  I remember when he used to cut out the comic strip "Born Loser" and staple it up outside his office window at the drive-inn. We (the staff) used to run over to see what it said and I would always laugh because it seemed to always be about something that was also happening in my dad's life or mirrored how he felt, etc.

Well, today, to mark the day of his birth, the baton seems to have passed to me, his youngest and the one who looks most like him.  Today, I was told that there is more work than they thought to fixing up our condos here and each unit will suffer a lean on them for...wait for it...$20,000! 

My reaction?  I paused, I looked up, I shook my head, I laughed out loud, then I burst into tears.

Happy Birthday Dad! It's been 20yrs since you passed and your "gottcha" moment was worth $20K.  Consider the "Born Loser" baton passed.

Happy New Year - 2011

Beginnings, they can be exciting and scary but just like every new day, its fresh with no mistakes in it yet. So with this New Year beginning I choose to think of it as a new day with new adventures and new experiences armed with only knowledge gained from the past so I will move forward less fearful.

I, like many of us, have that resolution list rolling around but I'm trying to not put that much pressure on myself. The challenges I have ahead of me are very clear and obvious to me so I don't feel the need to write them down.  I can only take each day as it comes and hope that by the end of this year I'll have made some progress with my life and be able to keep building on it.

The postmortem of 2010, would not be productive for me and from what I'm reading from other people, it doesn't sound like a good year for many others either. Therefore, I will leave it in the past and only look ahead with the knowledge that 2011 can only be better!

Happy New Year 2011, for all.

Christmas 2010

Well we're coming to the close of another year and this Christmas has been interesting so far. Just had my "Ford Family Christmas" at my house and it was a great time. My place is so small and there were 13 people stuffed in here but we managed it somehow. Of course there was too much food but really..can you have too much? LOL  

So, here's hoping everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Oh ya, and here's hoping everyone looking for work right now (like me) finds something really, really soon!

Love ya all! xoxo

Dreams

I dreamed I was flying

far above the sea

Floating on the fairest wind

just my dreams and me.

No one else around me

to tell me where to land

Just the sun to guide me

and give a helpful hand.

The peace I felt was amazing

like a spirit on a breeze

I would have loved to stay there

but then I saw the trees.

My dreams had reached reality

and it was time to open my eyes

I pray I dream again tonight

of my heaven in the skies.

The Weight

Every ounce of sadness
is like a knife inside my soul
And with every pound of flesh
I try, without hope, to cover the hole.

And even though I wish
I could cut it all away
I'm not ready to let it go
Until I'm stronger, some day.

Right now I have a shield
to protect me from the cold
So until I trust myself again
it gives me something to hold.

I stuff it down like the weight of the world
hoping to feel its fullness
Someday I'll set it free again
as God is my witness.

I Thought Why Not

I've been posting my poems on here and Facebook for awhile now and decided it was time to put them in a book. I thought, why not?

So, that's what I called my book. In order to share it with visitors to this Blog I had to find a way to create a link for it.  The internet is amazing because there is a way to do everything.  I went to a recommended site call DocStoc.com and voila, my book in Word format is there for everyone to read.  Cool!

I've posted the link on the left side of my blog but here it is also:

http://www.docstoc.com/docs/59439294/Poetry-by-Amanda-Ford

Enjoy!

Update to Long Lost Letter

I promised I would get back to you on life happenings since I last wrote in July so here goes:

May - Mother's Day Gift (Phone)
- Phone out of box
- Phone hooked up
- Phone not loud enough to hear conversation, according to mother
- Phone back in box
- Phone now lives in my closet
- *SIGH*

July
- Brother has hernia surgery, successful.

August
- Visited Bowmanville and Peterborough - survived
- Daughter returns from South Korea! Yeah!

September
- Sister-in-law's mother lost her battle with cancer..RIP Jeanne, Sept 1, 2010
- Due to unforeseen circumstances, updating mother's place has been postponed until further notice.
- Sister came to Ktown - we laughed, we sang, we shopped, we rocked - good times!
- Looking for Job - ongoing.

Well, that should bring you up-to-date.  Have nothing really planned in the near future so I'll update blog as I go.  Talk to you soon!  

...Amanda

Bumper Cars

I started off Pretty in Pink
till I hit Stormy Blue
Now I'm just covered
in a dark purple hue.

Bump, bump, bumper cars
I've been hit so many times
I'm only seeing stars!

I tried to heal the purple
by running hard into red
but I just ended up bloody
with a broken heart instead.

Bump, bump, bumper cars
I've been hit for a long time
there's way too many scars.

Life's full of false starts
and crazy, sudden stops
I end up stuck in the middle
until my head just pops!

Bump, bump, bumper car
I keep trying to drive outta here
but I just don't get too far.

Amanda's Warm Spinach and Mushroom Salad

I just thought I would share with you a recipe I just came up with.  It was born out of a desire to taste a warm dressing on a spinach salad.  I recall having one once but could never duplicate it.  Well, here's my attempt to satisfy a craving and I think you might like it too.

First, take 1/4 cup of Kraft's Classic Herb salad dressing and put it in a deep fry pan on medium heat.  Stir in 1 cup of sliced mushrooms and saute until the dressing is bubbling and cooking the mushrooms, reducing them in size.  You may find medium high heat may work better here.

Second, when mushrooms are done to your liking, remove from heat until dressing stops bubbling and it's cooled a bit.  Not too much as you still want it to be warm.

Third, stir in 5oz bag of baby spinach.  Use tongs and toss continually until well mixed.

Forth, you can either sprinkle on parmesan cheese or crumple in fetta cheese and top with a sliced hard boiled egg.

Voila! Done!  Serves approx 2-3 people as a side salad or 1 person as a meal.  Enjoy!

Long Lost Letter

As you can tell, it's been some time since I wrote in my blog.  Sort of feels like a third child.  You have all the best intentions of keeping up with it and paying as much attention to it as your other projects but somehow, life gets in the way.

Well, I'm here to change that and promise to dedicate more time to this wayward child so it doesn't become one of the forgotten ones.

Let's see, it's been a few months since I've been here to update the void as to the exciting world I live it.  Hmmm...I can see why I haven't written...not very much as happened but I will let you be the judge.

From April - May 2010
- stayed depressed about being out of work, gained weight (no surprise there)
- bought my mother a new phone for Mother's day, only to be met with resistance to any new technology, you know, different coloured buttons to push or something like that.  (update: as of this post, new phone still in box..*sigh*)

From May - June 2010
- found out daughter's partner had a cancerous growth and has to come back from South Korea to have it taken out.
- found out sister in-law's mother is sick with cancer again
- found out sister in-law has to have ovaries out so she won't get cancer like her mother
- all in all, NOT a good news month

From June - July 2010
- sister retired from 31yrs working as an educator and principle. Good for her!
- son had college graduation from the Music Industry Arts program at Fanshawe College in London.  Very proud mom here!
- daughter's partner back in Canada, had surgery, results successful, thank God.
- sister in-law's mother is not doing so well but is trying chemo again in hopes of helping
- sister in-law's surgery was a little more complicated than anticipated but she is on the mend, thank God.
- found out my brother has to have a hernia operation end of the month.  When will it ever end?!
- Went to Calgary during the Calgary Stampede to visit a friend and had a great time, however, made a rather dishonorable dismount off my horse and bruised some ribs.  Both ribs and pride, still recuperating. 

Well I believe this brings us up to date.  Here are some future plans that I promise to report on as they happen:

- planning a visit to Bowmanville and Peterborough
- daughter arrives back home from a year in South Korea!
- family schedules time to update mother's living quarters with new paint and flooring
- sister comes to visit me in Ktown! Look out people!
- I attempt to find a new job (oh Lord!)


Until next time...be safe and happy! xoxo

Horizon

There is a place, a space
an envelope of time
Before the sun burns it away
and the night hides its crime.

Everything here is silent
a motionless endlessness
A floating, frozen precipice 
hanging over the nothingness.

But now the Horizon speaks in a whisper
only I can hear
"Come to me, enter me,
 there is nothing of me to fear". 

Without warning, I feel its pull 
I'm like a passionate lover
who can't wait to be taken
Never wanting it to be over.

Just living in the bliss
of this place, this space
An endless climax
without a body, without a face.

Stripped of all humanity
just some atoms in the eve
I give myself to the Horizon
So, now I can never, ever, leave.

There is a place, a space
an envelope of time
Before the sun burns it away
and the night hides its crime.

There's Love Left In Me

In their eyes
I’ve failed miserably
To find that one
Love of my life

Something always happened
And it always ended
I guess I wasn’t cut out
To be their wife.

But there’s love left in me
And I’m not done living
So I’ll keep looking
For the one who makes my life complete.

I’ve been alone
Many times along my path
And there’s no shame in that
I just can’t help feel
That’s not how it should be.

So if God has a plan
Well, I can leave it in His hands
But I pray I can see
The signs He leaves for me.

Cause there’s love left in me
And I’m not done living
So I’ll keep looking
For the one who makes my life complete.

I know he’s out there
I can feel it in my bones
Someone who’s love is true
And who wants me too.

Cause there’s love left in me
And I’m not done living
So if you’re the one I’m looking for
Let God know, you’re the one to make my life complete.

Bad Company

We gave and gave
and all you did
was take.

You justified it
by paying for our time
but it's still a heart break.

I guess the time
we spent together
meant more to me.

You just turned
out to be
A bad company.

Years and years
of our dedication
But what thanks
did we get?

You never blinked
an eye
You weren't even upset.

It's clear, I was just a number
Now you don't have
to count me.

You just turned 
out to be
A bad company.

Well don't you
worry your little 
corporate head.

We're all fine
and we're not 
dead.

While we're
flying and free,

You'll still be
a bad company.

Wicked Slumber

Whirling thoughts, disjointed dreams, what I wouldn't give for a good night's sleep.
Just a quiet slumber where my mind doesn't make a peep.

Drifting into a coma, would be a blessing to me.
Can't think of a better state of mind for there to be.

They say, "there's no rest for the wicked", so I guess I got what's coming to me.
Forever sleepless nights and tortured imagery.

Oh Hell be damned, bring on the flames.
It's time I admit it, I'm the one to blame.

My own purgatory, the devil's got nothing on me.
I did it to myself, even the blind could see.

Now that I've accepted the reason for my restless nights, the only question I ask myself is,
"What glorious nightmare can I dream up tonight?"

Lyrics by Amanda Ford, soon to be put to music by Jeff Hamm

It Happens

Although I know that there are bigger losses in one's life than your job, it's still a shock when it happens.  In my case, I suspected it was coming since many changes had already occurred and I was sure more were on the horizon.  Still, this was much sooner than I had anticipated and like a death, never quite prepared.

The supportive friends and relatives will tell me it's for the best and a "new day will dawn", "there's a light at the end of the tunnel", "think positive and don't look back", etc, etc, etc.  It's not just my personal loss but a loss for all those in my department and right now, I'm sad, I'm mad and I'm depressed just as much for them. They all had hopes, made plans and thought they had finally found their work home and family.  Now, we are all forced to choose different paths that will mean a lot of change, again. 

Unfortunately, it's a fact of life and in the words of one of my favorite Sugarland songs...

"Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go, laughing
Life don't go quite like you planned it
We try so hard to understand it
The irrefutable, indisputable fact is
Pshhhhh, it happens!"

New Laptop

Ok, I’m doing some fooling around with my new laptop and I hope to have this down soon.  It’s a new experience for me and so far I’m figuring it out as I go.  Just trying to get all the buttons to go to the right places to make things faster for me.

I’m looking forward to writing a lot with it and in many places too.  Got to take this show on the road as it were.  Well, it’s getting late..or early if you want to quibble about the time.  I must get off here before I can’t see straight and mess this thing up.  I have to say I’m loving it so far!

Goodnight…from the old dog that just learned a new trick!

Labour of Love - dedicated to Jordan & Kyle

I have a couple of friends who have a toddler and now a set of twins.  I can only imagine what their day is like with no sleep, no time to even shower or talk to each other, just a constant string of feedings and diaper changes.  So, for them, I dedicate this poem. They are the strongest, most loving people ever, even if they don't feel it right now!  Love you guys!

Labour of Love

You recall the excitement
when you heard the news
You recall the fear
when you heard there were two!

You got through it
the first time
And there were hills to climb
with strength you didn't know you had
and he is beautiful and fine.

Now you are feeling
tired, sometimes defeated and weak
Just a constant circle of work
never ending and kind of bleak.

There is no instant pay-off
for the gift that keeps on giving
And I'm sure, at times, you think,
is this living?

But don't despair, my dear friends
you know God up above
Will shower you with blessings 
for your Labour of Love.

You guys Rock!!